Epic Rap Battle: Lara Croft vs. Indiana Jones

 

Exatamente no dia em que Tomb Raider atingiu o marco de 26 anos, o canal Epic Rap Battles of History publicou seu mais novo episódio no qual nossa aventureira máxima é colocada numa batalha de rimas e acidez contra Indiana Jones.

Admito que de início não pretendia compartilhar o vídeo por aqui pois, honestamente, as frases de Jones soam muito como aquela velha ladainha que lemos todos os dias nos fóruns por aí. É curioso, pois, de acordo com o vídeo de bastidores, os criadores não tinham muita familiaridade com a personagem e precisaram fazer pesquisa extensiva sobre ela. E, verdade seja dita, a quantidade de referências e trocadilhos aqui inseridos é boa demais para deixar passar sem a devida apreciação. 

Croix Provence dá voz a Lara Croft, ao passo que Indiana Jones é interpretado por Peter Shukoff. Peter é um dos criadores do canal que está no ar desde 2006 e agrega quase 15 milhões de assinantes, um número impressionante – e com bom motivo.

E, como um adendo extra, nossas gerentes de comunidade entraram no ritmo e postaram na conta oficial do Twitter uma imagem criada em Fortnite bem adequada ao duelo em questão. Quem venceu? Eu diria que Lara Croft, mas não posso negar que há um certo viés nessa opinião...

Lara Croft versus Indiana Jones

Epic Rap Battles of History

 

Let's get this battle crackin'

I'll leave you like your reboot, flattened

You used to be the queen of booby trappin', what happened?

You got too woke to be fun, now my Indianaconda don't want none

 

There's too many voices inside you

You burn through women quicker than I do

I think you shoulda dropped Hollywood as an option

When even Angelina gave you up for adoption

 

Let's cut to the Chase—oh wait, he died

I guess you couldn't tap that X in time

From the Bandicoot to your family's plane in ashes

Kid, you've got a tragic history with crashes

 

The puzzle I'm trying to beat

Is figuring out why you're dressed for the beach

I've seen more class from the kids I teach

You can rise all you want, I'm still out of your reach

 

So go grab your relics and run,

You verse me is sword verse gun

Honey, just the first four notes of my theme

Exceed everything you've done

 

Doctor Jones, you're no rival

You've been getting owned since

"Give me the whip, throw me the idol"

Indianaconda? For heaven's sake,

You'd shit those Dickies at a garter snake

 

You stole your famous leather-daddy jacket and Stetson

From the cold dead hands of Charlton Heston

Some ladies mistake you for brave and hunky

But you're such a toxic date you could kill a little monkey

Marion was fifteen when you raided her bones

That's no time for love, doctor Jones

This is one temple that you'll never be exploring

You're not John Williams, so you ain't scoring

Three decades in the game and my fans still adore me

You tried alien skulls and chose poorly

Your whole story got blown up on a sitcom

There's a Big Bang you can't hide in the fridge from

Hang up the whip before you crack a hip

I think even Mutt wants you to quit (Just do it!)

I kill dinosaurs for fun, what's another old geezer?

I'll lock this battle up like Winston in the freezer

Dinosaurs belong in a museum

I've been served a full course meal of chilled Indian voodoo

And they don't even kill as many animals as you do

You're corrupting the youth, they should be outside

Not trying to unload the barrels on your thighs

 

You might have ditched those pistols, akimbo

But you're still the same rich back-flipping bimbo

A brat with a treasure map to catastrophe

Stuffing your knapsack with innocent casualties

 

Square Enix didn't want you anymore

That's why they dropped you like a J in the floor

When they designed your core they ripped my style

And jiggled in a bit of Girls Polygone Wild

 

You took 3D to uncharted territory

Now you're just in Uncharted's territory

Overshadowed by Drake like Lil Wayne

Somebody needs to make a tomb for your whole game

If you wanna talk games, stick to Sorry

That verse was worse than your crap on Atari

Awww, Fedora the Explorer thinks he's tough

You must've gotten dragged behind too many trucks

 

So strap some blocks on Short Round and pump the brakes

The only overshadowed thing is that face

I'm whooping you so bad, I should get flagged for cheating

Like Mola Ram with a heart, Indy's taking a beating

 

I'm the first wet dream gamers ever had

You're a Halloween costume for out of shape dads

Oops, my bad – your dad was never present

At best the affection you got was sloppy seconds (Ew!)

 

You ditched your sidekick, never met your own kid

'Cause his mum cut you off like a rope bridge

You're a dog Indiana, that's fact

The only thing you're loyal to is a hat, no cap

 

Your face straight melted and you lost that smolder

So make like a boulder and roll your arse over

'Cause Junior, the baby boomer beating me at rapping?

That's like my nude codes: never gonna happen